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Self-loathing... for a minute or two

Ever have those days when you just wish you were someone else, anyone but you? It's almost a self-loathing, but thankfully doesn't last too long - I'll snap out of it. But right now... I so wish I wasn't me, in my crowded house, tired, messy, and starting a new year of classes, another round of marking and working and teaching and administration and Masses and liturgies and prayers... OMG this so wasn't my career choice! I just want to get away from myself! I need that lighthouse. Or just a cabin in the woods. I just want to write. And it's so frustrating because it feels like it will never happen. I'll never get time to myself. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

I'm sitting up waiting for Christy to arrive home from Parachute (Christian music festival). She goes every year but I was nervous this year as her friend drove them as a road trip, meeting the bus at various points along the way. Now I just need her to get home on the last leg safely. She just phoned from Plimmerton...

And yeah, back at school. I was cross by 0845 hours so that doesn't bode well. Still, I got a lot done today so surely I'll get there, surely one day, all the jobs will be done? Does it work like that? One of our teachers got married on Sunday and a few other teachers were invited to the wedding. That's fine, I think it's wonderful. But one of the teachers who went emailed us pics of them all having a really good time there and I think that was pretty tacky. Like, we're not invited but look who was. Maybe she didn't mean to convey that message but I imagine the rest of us felt a bit jealous! I did, even though I wouldn't have expected to be invited in a million years. It was still kind of irksome. Painful. Oh well, stuff it, let's move on, huh.

I'd really like to go for a long walk right now but it's nearly midnight. it's hot and humid and windy and dark. There was a strange cat on our porch just now. Hunter would like to go out and join it but I said no, he had to wait for Christy *g*

And the Codfish has GONE GONE GONE. He very grudgingly said thanks to groups who had made his job easier, and actually thanked our music group first LOL! He leaves Wellington tomorrow! We are cast free of his dark shadow of mistrust. What a sad, wounded man he is. I wish him well though. He's replacing a priest dying of cancer and that's not nice. My father's cousin died on Sunday morning from cancer. It must have been awful. She was a fairly prominent female lawyer in our city so it'll be a big funeral, if they actually admit that she died. They're very secretive.

Ooh Christy is back!


Jan. 31st, 2011 03:06 pm (UTC)
Glad to hear Christy's back safely!

Eventually, your children will grow up and leave home. Eventually, you will retire from your job, either in order to do something else or in order to retire altogether. When both those thing happen you will enjoy the peace, and will also be glad you have interests (like writing and music)that will continue to enrich your life. Meanwhile, feel free to rant...

Oh, and poor Hunter - not allowed to make friends with strangers.*g*
Feb. 1st, 2011 09:55 am (UTC)
Thanks. I know they'll all be moving on one day. It's just right now...

-Oh, and poor Hunter - not allowed to make friends with strangers.*g*
Hunter is the most sociable cat around. He is friends not only with other cats but also the regular people who pass the gate and even their dogs. And he is often gone for 12 hours at a time. I just wanted him to wait for Christy!

Thanks for letting me rant. Sometimes I just need to let it out to release the knots inside!!
Feb. 1st, 2011 12:01 pm (UTC)
I think LJ provides a good release in that way - you are ranting to real people who will sympathise because they're your friends, and you avoid ranting to your family who might get distressed.

Yes, Hunter should have waited for Christy but cats don't have the same system of good manners as humans. He clearly didn't agree with you!!

Sometimes 'right now' things can feel eternal!!



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