natesmountain (natesmountain) wrote,

Meandering through minefields...

I spent a lot of time deciding on how much I wanted the job at school today. And I lost my CV - I'm wondering if someone handed it in or something. I haven't added my referees yet... if it isn't handed in, then where on earth did it go? I don't want to make another one. Hmmm, maybe it's a sign...

I'm tired and I have to admit I feel pretty low. I've had a headache all day. I think there are too many things on my mind just now. I'm very busy, and we have Confirmation at Mass on Sunday (with me in charge of proceedings!). I emailed the Archbishop this afternoon - that was fun, not, hinted that he wasn't that pleasant last time he came out *g* And also this afternoon I finally wrote a reference for my friend who's entering the priesthood. JCjnr asked me to do that, so I gave it to him this evening, while we had a practice for confirmation. He loved it, said I have a gift. Maybe for writing, I said. See, before lunchtime today, we'd had silent reading and I'd forgotten my book but I had my laptop on so I'd started reading Breathing Space. I hadn't looked at it for weeks and weeks. I'd given up any thoughts of publishing after the whole 'don't publish with that guy' thing and that'd pretty much stopped the writing too. But reading Breathing Space and Nick's story again brought tears to my eyes right there in the classroom and I realised how much I'd missed it. How much I'd missed Nick. I don't really care about publishing anyway, it's pretty bogus. But I do want to finish Nick's story. After practice tonight I drove back into town to collect Christy and found myself writing in my head again for the first time in ages.

It's confusing, going for a job you're not sure you want to commit to, but you think you'll really like... I just don't know if what I REALLY want is even fair to consider. I don't exist alone in a selfish bubble. I have a family, community, faith, all that jazz. I think I'm very lucky. Lucky but just a little torn... and that's me. I'm going to bed. I'm going to re-read My Name is Asher Lev. Then I think I'll take up art.
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